Date: 21 Aug 2024 (Wed), 9pm – 10pm Singapore time.
Have you ever felt paralyzed by the fear of being judged or rejected in your professional life? As one of the core underlying emotions and driving force behind our actions, shame and guilt are important for our survival but left unchecked can be harmful. They prevent you from taking actions to go further in your job or are simply draining your energy every day, away from your hobbies, family or even your sleep.
Working harder or learning to speak better is good, but one key strategy that people often miss out on is to actually examine the emotion itself, how it’s manifesting as our unconscious coping mechanisms. Some deal with shame by obsessing over job performance and status, while others obsess about trying to be socially kind and helpful at the expense of their own. You should realise there are people of various personalities and emotional focuses. Believe it or not, your coworkers or clients may not care about social approval as much or share the same “care language” as you do.
This enlightening webinar by our expert life coach and relationship expert, Teodora from Germany, will guide you through a journey of healthy reflection so you can break free from your energy-draining patterns.
Introduce shame as a core emotional driver impacting professional confidence.
Discuss the 3 emotional obsession or coping mechanism as a response to this emotion.
Reflection Exercise: Guide participants to identify and share their obsession/emotional patterns.
Question the necessity and impact of shame & social approval in professional life.
Overcoming Shame: Present tailored strategies for managing and transcending shame.
Introduction to Enneagram: Introduce the Enneagram as a tool for deeper self-understanding.
Q&A and Conclusion.
About the Trainer:
Based in Germany, Teodora Iulia Păucean is a certified Life and Relationship Coach with a Bachelor in Psychology and a Master in Conflict Resolution. With extensive experience in both the US and European markets, Teodora brings a wealth of knowledge and a passion for helping individuals navigate complex emotional landscapes.
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Do you struggle to take on leadership roles and set boundaries in the workplace? Learn how to navigate emotional drain and conflicts with the help of practical tools and the Enneagram wisdom in this video.
Our guest speaker, Teodora Paucean, a renowned Life and Relationship Coach, will guide you through recognizing your strengths and weaknesses as a leader and give you insights for setting boundaries and protecting your inner peace.
Please watch the webinar recording or if you prefer to read, continue reading the written transcript below.
Introduction: Enhancing Leadership Through Enneagram Wisdom
Thank you all for joining today’s session. As a self-employed coach and trainer with a background in Psychology, I’m excited to guide you through the enriching world of the Enneagram of personality and its profound impact on leadership assertiveness.
Understanding Emotional Drain and Insecurities in Leadership
In today’s exploration, we’ll address the emotional drain caused by insecurities, a common challenge faced by many leaders. The session will shed light on how these insecurities, if unmanaged, can lead to conflicts, impacting work relationships, teamwork, performance, and retention.
The Role of Empathy and Self-Awareness in Leadership
True empathy and self-awareness are foundational in effective leadership. By delving into personality typology, such as the Enneagram, leaders can gain valuable insights into cognitive diversity, creating an environment where individual strengths contribute to a cohesive team dynamic.
Holistic Understanding of Cognitive Diversity
In my experience in human resources, I’ve observed that a lack of self-awareness can lead to assumptions about uniform thinking and communication styles. Today’s focus on the Enneagram is part of a broader approach, acknowledging the significance of systems like MBTI and cognitive functions in understanding cognitive diversity comprehensively.
Personal Journey: Applying Personality Typology in Professional Roles
Embarking on my self-awareness journey at 16 with MBTI and later the Enneagram, I, as an INFJ and Enneagram Type 2, found profound insights that shaped my personal and professional growth. With a background in Psychology, conflict analysis, and management, I’ve consistently applied personality typology in various roles, emphasizing its pivotal role in self-awareness and interpersonal dynamics.
Boundaries in Leadership: Impact on Mental Health and Team Dynamics
Effective leadership hinges on the establishment of clear boundaries. Leaders who neglect this aspect often face burnout, depression, and anxiety, impacting both individual and team well-being. This segment emphasizes the crucial role boundaries play in creating a positive work culture and fostering team cohesion.
The Ripple Effect: Positive Leadership and Team Well-Being
Leaders who set and communicate boundaries set a positive example, creating a ripple effect that enhances team dynamics, work culture, and retention rates. Conversely, the absence of clear boundaries can contribute to a negative work culture and hinder team performance.
Understanding the Enneagram:
The Enneagram, a personality-based system with roots in ancient traditions and modern psychology, focuses on emotional components. Unlike the MBTI, which delves into the structure of the mind, the Enneagram metaphorically represents the soul, exploring core insecurities and their impact on various life aspects. The system categorizes individuals into nine types, each driven by unique fears and desires. Understanding these types is crucial for leaders aiming to navigate their own and their team’s dynamics effectively.
Types Most Likely to Struggle with Boundaries:
Among the nine Enneagram types, five are prone to struggling with boundaries: Type 2 (The Helper), Type 3 (The Achiever), Type 4 (The Individualist), Type 6 (The Loyalist), and Type 9 (The Peacemaker). For instance, Type 2’s desire to be liked may hinder their ability to say no, while Type 3’s focus on competence can lead to overwhelming workloads. Recognizing these tendencies equips leaders to address boundary challenges within themselves and their teams.
The Feeling Triad and Emotional Intelligence:
The Feeling Triad, comprising Types 2, 3, and 4, is characterized by a strong focus on self-image. Understanding the fears and desires of each type within this triad provides valuable insights for leaders. Emotional intelligence, a key leadership trait, involves recognizing and managing emotions. Leaders with strong emotional intelligence can leverage their strengths and address their weaknesses, fostering healthier team dynamics.
Leadership Strengths and Weaknesses:
Each Enneagram type brings unique strengths and weaknesses to leadership roles. For instance, Type 2 leaders excel in empathy and support, but they may struggle with people-pleasing and manipulation. Recognizing these traits allows leaders to harness their strengths while actively working on areas that may hinder their effectiveness.
Practical Tools for Leadership Development:
Non-Violent Communication:
Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, this tool aids leaders in setting boundaries, providing a structured approach for giving negative feedback and discussing sensitive topics.
Time Management – Eisenhower Metrics:
The Eisenhower Matrix helps leaders prioritize tasks based on their urgency and importance, offering a strategic approach to time management.
Intrapersonal Intelligence:
Recognizing and managing one’s own emotions is crucial for effective leadership. Techniques like labeling emotions and engaging in activities like journaling and meditation contribute to the development of intrapersonal intelligence.
Pika Technique:
This coaching tool assists individuals in identifying physical signs of strong emotions, changing negative patterns to positive ones, and implementing lasting changes in behavior.
“Fill Your Cup” Model:
Leaders can proactively monitor their needs by visualizing a set of cups representing various aspects of well-being. Regularly checking and addressing these needs fosters a balanced and resilient approach to leadership.
Conclusion:
In the intricate tapestry of leadership development, understanding personality frameworks, emotional intelligence, and effective boundary-setting is paramount. Leaders who embark on this journey not only enhance their own capabilities but also contribute to the growth and well-being of their teams. As Carl Jung aptly stated, “Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.” The pursuit of self-awareness is a continuous process that enlightens and empowers leaders on their quest for excellence.
Note: To explore these concepts further and deepen your understanding, consider enrolling in a comprehensive training program that combines the MBTI and Enneagram as complementary systems. Remember, self-awareness is a lifelong journey, and the tools discussed here serve as guides in this transformative process.
Do you ever wonder why you get so attached to potential partners so quickly? Why you bend over backwards to make them happy, even when they seem distant? At the core, you likely yearn for a relationship where you can truly be yourself without fear of being “too much” or not “enough.” If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with one of two issues – getting too invested too quickly, or keeping others at an emotional distance. Both can leave us frustrated in relationships when desires for closeness aren’t balanced with needs for independence.
The root of such relationship difficulties often traces back to differences in attachment styles – ingrained patterns that shape how we emotionally connect with others. Whether you find yourself constantly longing for approval, naturally hesitant around intimacy, or somewhere in between, awareness is the first step towards positive change. This comprehensive guide will help you recognize your attachment style, which is the key to breaking out of this pattern and navigating relationships more effectively.
The Four Attachment Styles
According to psychologist John Bowlby, there are four primary attachment styles formed in childhood: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each style results from our early life experiences with caregivers. The attitudes and responses of our first attachments – our parents or guardians – lay the foundation. When children have attentive caregivers who respond consistently and warmly to their needs, they are likely to develop a secure attachment style. Caregivers who are absent, rejecting, or inconsistent may lead children to develop one of the insecure styles – anxious, dismissive, or fearful.
Fast forward to adulthood, and these ingrained childhood attachment styles are awakened when romantic relationships become emotionally intimate. Our early programming kicks in, and we unconsciously default to the same attachment patterns, even if they no longer work. We continue responding from the emotional blueprints carved out in our first relationships. Let’s take a closer look at the four attachment styles and how they impact our relationships – for better or worse.
The Secure Attachment Style
The secure attachment style is often considered the gold standard of attachment styles, characterized by individuals who have a positive view of themselves and others. According to research, 50 percent of the population has a secure attachment style. Such individuals feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, forming healthy and balanced relationships. They typically have a strong sense of self-worth and believe in their own capabilities. They are confident in expressing their needs while also being attentive and responsive to the needs of their partners.
Secure individuals have a natural inclination to provide emotional support and comfort to their partners. They offer a sense of stability and reassurance, creating an environment where both partners feel seen, heard, and validated. This emotional availability and responsiveness cultivate a strong sense of intimacy, reliability, and trust within the relationship. As a result of these characteristics, those with a secure attachment style often experience stable and satisfying relationships.
While individuals with a secure attachment style may still face challenges and occasional relationship conflicts, their secure foundation allows them to navigate these difficulties with resilience and adaptability. The secure attachment style serves as an inspiring model for cultivating healthier relationship dynamics, even for those who may currently identify with other attachment styles.
The Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
The anxious-preoccupied attachment style or often simply known as anxious attachment is characterized by a strong desire for closeness and intimacy, coupled with a fear of abandonment. Estimates suggest that 20 percent of the population possesses an anxious attachment style. Individuals with this attachment style often seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners, yearning for a deep emotional connection. However, their fear of rejection and abandonment can create challenges within their relationships.
Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to have a negative perception of themselves. They may struggle with self-doubt, insecurity, and a fear of not being worthy of love. As a result, they often seek external validation to soothe their anxieties and boost their self-esteem. This constant need for reassurance can lead to clinginess, possessiveness, and a strong emotional dependency on their partners.
Communication for those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style is often marked by emotional intensity and a tendency to overanalyze. They may frequently seek clarification and confirmation of their partner’s feelings, fearing any signs of potential rejection. This hyper-vigilance can strain the relationship as they constantly seek validation and reassurance, leading to repetitive questioning, jealousy, and heightened anxiety.
Individuals with this attachment style may have difficulty managing disagreements and may fear that conflicts will lead to the dissolution of the relationship. As a result, they may avoid conflict altogether or become excessively anxious and emotional during conflicts. The fear of abandonment and the need for constant reassurance can amplify their emotional response and hinder effective resolution.
The Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
Anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant attachment style are two sides of the same coin. They are both the result of ineffective and extreme emotional regulation, where the former seeks constant validation while the latter disassociates and tries to drown out emotions all together. Often simply known as avoidant attachment, it is characterized by individuals who exhibit emotional distance and a strong inclination towards independence. Research estimates suggest that around 25 percent of individuals are dismissive-avoidant, making it the second most common attachment style. Those with this attachment style often struggle with forming deep emotional connections and may find it challenging to rely on others.
They tend to have a positive view of themselves but a dismissive and avoidant attitude towards others. They often prioritize self-reliance and autonomy, valuing independence over emotional intimacy. They may downplay the importance of close relationships and prefer to maintain a level of emotional distance to avoid feelings of vulnerability or dependency.
Communication for individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be marked by a preference for logical reasoning and a tendency to minimize emotional expressions. They may struggle to fully express their own emotions and may have difficulty understanding or empathizing with the emotions of their partners. This emotional distance can create a barrier to deeper emotional connection and understanding within the relationship.
Conflict resolution can be particularly challenging for those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. They have a tendency to withdraw emotionally or physically during conflicts, seeking solitude as a means of self-protection. They often struggle with addressing emotional needs or may downplay the significance of conflict, dismissing its impact on the relationship. This avoidance of conflict and emotional disengagement can hinder effective resolution and create further distance between partners.
The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
The fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as the disorganized attachment style, is characterized by conflicting desires for closeness and independence. According to research, it is the least common attachment style, found in only 5 percent of the population. Individuals with this attachment style often experience internal struggles and mixed emotions when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships.
Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often have a negative view of both themselves and others. They may struggle with trust and may have experienced past traumas or inconsistent caregiving, leading to a fear of both intimacy and abandonment. As a result, they may exhibit ambivalence and unpredictability in their relationships, experiencing a push-pull dynamic of seeking closeness while simultaneously fearing it.
Communication for individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style can be marked by confusion and uncertainty. They may have difficulty expressing their needs and emotions clearly, as they may feel torn between their desire for connection and their fear of vulnerability. This conflicting internal struggle can result in mixed signals, emotional distancing, and difficulties in establishing effective communication patterns with their partners.
When it comes to conflict resolution, such people may oscillate between avoiding conflicts altogether or becoming overwhelmed by intense emotions during conflicts. This ambivalence can lead to a fear of rejection and a reluctance to address relationship issues head-on, further complicating the resolution process and potentially perpetuating cycles of unresolved conflicts.
Impact of Different Attachment Styles on Relationships
Different attachment styles can significantly impact relationship dynamics and satisfaction. In relationships where both partners have a secure attachment style, there is a strong foundation of trust, effective communication, and emotional support. These relationships tend to be characterized by mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and a sense of security. Partners can rely on each other for support and navigate challenges with a sense of resilience and understanding. Securely attached people are often very good at forming long lasting relationships.
However, when partners have different attachment styles, challenges may arise. For instance, when a person with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style is in a relationship with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, it can create a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. The anxious-preoccupied individual may crave closeness and reassurance, while the dismissive-avoidant individual may resist emotional intimacy, leading to a pattern of emotional disconnection and frustration.
Similarly, relationships involving a person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style can experience intense fluctuations between the desire for closeness and the fear of abandonment. This can create an unpredictable and emotionally volatile environment, making it challenging for both partners to establish a sense of stability and security.
Can a Secure Attachment Style be developed?
The key for healthier relationship patterns are for partners to work towards developing a more secure attachment style. The good news is that your style is not set in stone. While our early experiences with caregivers play a significant role in shaping our attachment style, it is not the only factor. Later life experiences, such as positive romantic relationships or therapeutic interventions, can help individuals develop a more secure attachment style.
With awareness and effort, an “earned secure attachment” can be developed. Just like a skill you can develop over time, you have the power to cultivate a more secure attachment style. It is a personal growth process that starts with self-awareness and continues with intentional efforts. Reflect on your own attachment patterns and how they show up in your relationships. Identify any patterns or triggers that contribute to feelings of insecurity or emotional challenges.
Another effective approach for personal development is being in a relationship with a secure partner. Regardless of whether you lean toward anxious or avoidant tendencies, there’s much to glean from observing how a secure partner maintains healthy communication and boundaries. The key is to approach this with an open mind and avoid hastily labeling the emotionally stable partner as boring or uninteresting, since many mistakenly equate emotional highs and lows with genuine love.
Conclusion
Every attachment style comes with strengths as well as areas for growth. While challenging at times, recognizing unhealthy patterns and unconscious beliefs within yourself is the first step to overcoming them. Reflect on how your style affects your relationships, seek perspectives from loved ones and be open to improving communication and compromise. As you practice these skills, even deeply ingrained attachment patterns can evolve over time. Anxious types can learn to balance dependence and focus on self-worth. Avoidants can overcome defenses and open up to true intimacy. Whatever your attachment style, learning more about yourself and others holds the potential to transform your relationships into ones filled with trust, warmth and fulfillment.
